Chapter 7 - The Dual Life

It’s been five years since I left my workplace and lifestyle of 15 years. Today, I can look back upon these five years with some perspective. I can see how the story unfolded and connect the dots. But when I set out I did not know what I would do and how I would make my living.  I wanted to find ‘my way’. To live by my values, and follow my own pace. I had enough of the rat race, enough of chasing goals set by others and succumbing to do things I felt were wrong. But what was ‘my way’ and where would it take me? I did not know.

I was concerned I may experience long periods without income and worried that financial pressure may discourage me to turn back. As I resigned of free will, I was not entitled to severance pay. In exchange for the much needed payment, I agreed not to work with the firm’s customers nor with its competitors for a year. This gave me some financial backing and some peace of mind, but the agreement also hindered my ability to produce future income. It isolated me from working within my professional community. Nevertheless, I considered the agreement beneficial as it constrained me to be creative, to build new connections and seek new business opportunities.

Shortly after I left my work, a self-development program was about to start at “emotion”, the school where my personal coach was trained. I was intrigued to learn about “Satya”, the methodology that transformed my life, and to meet its creator, Natalie Ben David, founder of “emotion - the school for listening, being and transformation”. Being on a program also filled my need for a sense of placement within the great emptiness and uncertainty of sudden unemployment.

Parallel to my studies I attended to the numerous activities involved in starting my own business. I spent time thinking about the services I would offer and conceiving various business models. I met with several people, especially executives who I had good relationships with. Most people were positive, willing to listen and share their opinions. It was a very interesting and optimistic period. But the meetings rarely materialized into substantial business opportunities. Instead I received some tempting employment offers, which I declined gratefully. I began to understand that finding ‘my way’ was going to take time and not going to be easy.  Still, I was determined to give self-employment a fair chance. To help me cope better with the situation I began to write a travel journal. I liked keeping journals when I traveled the world. Writing helped me relate to the situation as an adventure of exploration, rather than an arduous struggle for survival.

In the midst of the occupational and financial uncertainty I had my island of serenity, learning at “emotion”, where things began to fall into place. “Satya” (Sanskrit for truth) is a methodology that has its roots in ancient Tibetan Buddhism and modern existential philosophy, emphasizing individual existence, responsibility, freedom and choice. Unlike conventional coaching methodologies, “Satya” is not about setting and achieving goals. Instead, “Satya” questions the goals we set, aiming to understand the motives and the paradigms on which our goals were founded. “Satya” prompts us to pause, to take a deep breath and look inwards. It questions, ”If I achieve my goals, how is that going to affect the person I am?”. “Who do I hope to become by reaching my goal?... Who am I now?”.

“Satya” focuses on the present, aiming to understand our experience of life here and now, in reality. Our mind is often turbulent and misleading, troubled with fears and worries and biased by our paradigms and past experiences. Distinguishing between reality and our self projections and subjective interpretations is quite confusing. It requires an awareness that can be developed through a continuous process of learning and practice. I learned to observe and to listen, to listen attentively to others and to listen attentively to myself. To be attentive to my thoughts, to my body sensations, to my breath and heartbeat. Practicing these skills is so basic and straightforward and yet so extremely apart from how I have lived so far. It was a mindblowing awakening. No doubt, I was in the right place, an excellent starting point to acquire skills and tools for my quest for a better quality of life.

Meanwhile my attempts to find sources of income through self employment seemed futile. Weeks went by without results and staying optimistic was becoming difficult, when suddenly I received a call from an unexpected source, a former employee of mine. Her husband was an executive at Clarizen, and he told her they needed of someone with my skills. Two days later I was at Clarizen headquarters for a meeting with the founder and CEO.

Clarizen is a visionary software firm that pioneered the use of cloud  technology for Collaborative Work Management. They were planning to roll-out a major product upgrade that would transform the company. It was a complicated and risky endeavor, and they needed an executive that could lead the operation. Seemed like a perfect match, albeit I was not prepared to become a full time employee. So the CEO agreed to employ me as a contractor, on a two days per week basis, to work with the firm's executive team and lead the operation. I was grateful and excited to start.

Working with Clarizen was extraordinary. A group of young, talented and enthusiastic people who were on a mission to change the future of work. It was a mature start-up that was competing with global software giants and securing a leader position. The kind of company that made Israel famous for being the ‘Start-up nation’. In a way it was very different from the Information Technology Professional Services industry that I came from, but in most aspects it felt very familiar, like a fish in the water. People are people, in any industry.

 

At last things were going well, life was good to me. I was working two days a week in a job I greatly enjoyed and I was taking some of the most important lessons of my life. I now had an inner confidence that I will be all right. Nature has its own pace. Some processes take time and cannot be rushed. Sometimes it’s a matter of patience, resilience and faith.

Upon concluding the basic program at  “emotion” I decided to continue to a full year’s training; to learn the profession of “Satya” coaching. With “Satya” we examine our being by observing our relationships and reactions. We study how we relate to ourselves and how we relate to others. We question our relationships with certain ideas and our relationships with things. In short, our reactions to people reflect our relationship with them. These mostly automatic reactions are like habits, a product of our conditioning through our early life experiences. “Satya” provides a technique to dissolve these conditionings and open new possibilities to transform old ‘habits’ into actions of free will. Thus “Satya” methodology offers a systematic approach to a profound and meaningful transformation in a person’s life. I could easily relate to the basic values of “Satya” as they were my own. By becoming a coach I too could help others learn to know and understand themselves, to find what they really want and to live by it. By mastering “Satya” I could reduce suffering and help people find calm and clarity. In doing so, I could continue my own personal journey of self-development and live a purposeful life. I made my choice to become a “Satya” coach.

Meanwhile the Clarizen Customer Roll-Out project was progressing very well and exceeding expectations, when suddenly I was called to the CEO’s office and informed that my contract would be terminated in two weeks.  It caught me completely by surprise. Everything was going so well, I could not see it coming. I was shocked. Knowing “Satya” I turned my attention to my body. The effect of the breaking news was overwhelming, I could feel the blood draining from my upper body, I was sweating and feeling dizzy. I was about to faint. I focused on my breathing to calm myself and contain the situation. It was very stressful as I had no alternative source of income, no ‘plan B’. I was baffled.

A few days later the explanation came. I was most welcome to join the company's executive team as a full time employee. Part time contracting has run it’s course. It was no longer an option and I was expected to make the right choice. “I want people who’s life is vested in the company.” explained the CEO. This sounded to me like an all too familiar approach to employee engagement. Something I had chosen to walk away from. Vested,.... Vessted, ....vesssssss, resonated in my mind like the hiss of a poisonous snake.

I enjoyed working with Clarizen. I loved the people, their spirit. The vision and the product. But staying full time and giving up coaching was not an option. After the initial shock dissipated, I accepted the outcome as a product of my own choosing. I was no longer on the occupational mainstream.  This was the essence of my journey and I was grateful for the opportunity to be with the fine people of Clarizen. There was no anger nor disappointment. It was time for me to move on.  

I made my choice and within two weeks I was back on the road, back to uncertainty. The term at Clarizen worked very well for me and it would shape my course going forwards. I chose to divide my professional life. On the one hand, an executive for rent, contracted to lead organizations through ambitious, and often aggressive, change programs. On the other hand, a “Satya” coach, bringing empathy and compassion to the life of individuals of all walks of life. This would be a life of contrast and paradox. A business dominated by aggressive goals and ‘bottom lines’ versus a practice focused on slowing down, breathing, meditation, acceptance and letting go.

Could I reconcile these polarities and live the two as one? To figure this out would be my next leg of the journey. But until I find the link, I would live a dual life. I would use “Satya” in both worlds, but with my associates in the corporate world I would keep my new learned concepts to myself, and not speak of my ‘other life’.

Chapter - 8